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Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April...
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Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion. TAURUS...
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Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20...
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Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 –...
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Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April...
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Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20...
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Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20...
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Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks...
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Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20...
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Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.”...
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Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread. TAURUS...
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Horoscopes for May 26-June 1, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month is a good month to get noticed, so get out there and take charge. But first, check off your list – hair, teeth, clothes, shoes, signs, tea bags, tax refund....
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Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013
ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 –...
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Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April...
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Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April...
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What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The stars show that you should let other people take charge of things this month. But, of course, you won’t. You’re a Capricorn and only you’re the boss of you....
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Horoscopes for June 30-July 6, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, your neighbor builds a 3-hole putting green in his basement. Not to be outdone, you will begin plans to construct a driving range in your living room. TAURUS...
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Horoscopes for July 7-13, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be greatly disappointed this month when you try to sell your doggie’s feces in the shape of Elvis’s face on ebay for $5,000 and don’t get any bids. TAURUS (April 20...
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Horoscopes for July 14-20, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) High gas prices, polluted air, mortgage crisis, credit card gouging, narrowing job opportunities, and all you’ll worry about is that unexplainable, itchy, red rash. TAURUS...
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Horoscopes for July 28-August 3, 2013
ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You will need to pay special attention to safety and not avoid rash decisions this month. That thing could spread if scratched, making you even more hideous. TAURUS (April...
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